Last Message
(a Final Fantasy VII short story)

So fast. Amazing how all it takes is just a split second for everything to change forever. You think you have all the time in the world, and then in that split second you realize there's no time at all.

This pain, this feeling. So sudden and intense, like nothing I've ever felt before, but it doesn't matter. I already know the truth.

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but all I can see is you. You, standing right here in front of me, a look of pure horror in your eyes. You know it, too. There will be no salvation, no last minute reprieve.

Funny, I almost thought the same thing about you once. If a person comes crashing down through your ceiling, falling from who-knows-where, I don't think you really expect them to survive. I bet I had that same look on my face, that same fear. But then you woke up, and you looked at me with those beautiful eyes, brilliantly blue but highlighted with streaks of dark green, that almost seemed to glow with a light from within.

Just like his eyes.

You were so much like him. Not just in how you looked, though your clothes and weapon were the same, but in the way you carried yourself. Seemingly insignificant gestures, like a wave of a hand, or a slightly cocky tilt of your head. Even the way you phrased things, with certain words and sayings I'd only ever heard from him. They'd never told me he died, but, deep down, I had gradually assumed he had. When I saw you act and talk like that, it was almost like he was somehow alive again. It made me feel alive, too.

Was that why I was drawn to you? I felt something, I truly did, but where did those feelings come from? It seems so unfair to think I might have cared about you only as a replacement for what I lost. Honestly, I didn't really know, but I desperately wanted to find out.

And now there isn't any time.

I've heard people say "well, he had a good long life" when someone dies, like that makes it all right. Like it means that he must have done everything he ever wanted to do. I always doubted it, but now I know. They were lying. There's always something more to do. One more thing you need to say. One more person you need to hug and hold as you tell them you'll never let go, that you'll never stop loving them. One more person you need to forgive. One more person you need forgiveness from. One more goodbye you need to say.

They lied. And I lied, too.

Maybe not directly, maybe not to your face, but that doesn't change the fact that I lied. A lie of omission, I guess you'd say. I told you about Zack, but I never went further in telling you how close you two were. How it was far too close to be a coincidence. How sometimes it seemed like Zack's personality was shining out through your eyes. How it sometimes seemed like there was another you, too, another part of you that was struggling to get out. I never told you all that. Something so important, that might have helped you, and I kept it inside. I'm sorry.

I lied about my feelings, too. Another omission. I smiled and flirted with you. I even asked you out on a date. Despite all that, it doesn't change the fact that I never just came right out and told you how I felt. How I truly cared for you. How I was confused about my feelings, but that I honestly wanted to find out more about you. There was always a reason to put it off, to think about it another time. Every time I wanted to try and say the words, it just seemed so hard. It was easier to bide my time, to drop hints and hope you would put it together, to flirt and play and just have fun. I always thought I would have plenty of time to tell you everything.

The pain is changing. Something's happening, and through the hazy, swirling parade of memory and regret, I can't quite figure out what it is.

I didn't even realize something was holding me up, but there was, and it's gone, and I feel myself falling. I can't even raise my hands to catch myself, but everything's happening so slowly anyway, I don't think it'll matter.

I catch a glimpse of your face as I fall, the same expression of fear and realization still frozen there. You're moving towards me, trying to catch me, but it's all so slow.

I know you're going to blame yourself, and it's the one thing I can't bear to think about. This isn't your fault. None of it is. I've never blamed you for any of the things that have happened to me. You tried. You cared. That's enough.

I can feel it in my heart, though. This is going to tear at your soul. I know it will. I know you're too kind to let it go. You're too pure to shy away from the guilt, even when there shouldn't be any for you to bear. But I also know more than a little about the horrors that ShinRa has wrought, about things they've done to those too pure and kind to fight them off. I truly mean this: I've never blamed you, and I never will.

I don't know how it happened, but suddenly I'm lying on the floor, and you're holding me. I can see the darkness creeping into my vision, and I know I don't have long. Seconds, at the most.

Your eyes, still so beautiful and pure, are wet with tears as they look down on me, so full of pain, and there are so many things I want to say that I'm furious knowing that I can't.

Say goodbye to all of my friends for me. Let them know how much I loved them, how much I wanted to share things with them, their trials and their triumphs. Let them know I die with some small happiness knowing that I have done what I can to save them all.

See this through to the end. I know it will be painful and even seem impossible at times, but don't give up. Fight for this world. Fight to save everyone too weak or pure to save themselves.

Use this chance I've given you. I know you can do it. Even when I'm gone, think of me as being by your side, cheering you on. Please don't let my death be in vain.

I can't even open my mouth to speak, so I hope you understand. Look into my eyes. Look there one last time and see the truth.

I know the answer now. I may not know the reasons, or if we would have ever had a chance, and it may not have ever even been completely real to begin with. None of that's important, though, because at this moment, at this one small moment in time, I know the truth of how I feel, and that's all that really matters. No time for second thoughts, no time for final regrets. It's just me and the one thing I know right now to be true, the one thing that, at this moment, I need you to know beyond all else.

I love you, Cloud.

Goodbye.

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